Why Desires Are Better Than Resolutions And Goals

I gave up writing resolutions years ago. Apparently I am not alone. Less than half of us make them - just 45% - and of those who do less than 8% achieve them. It seems the odds are that you are doomed before you start.

Goal setting is another thing I am not a proponent of. From where I sit, goals are a masculine term better suited for the football field, the boardroom or the budget review. It implies a win or lose proposition and ignores progress. Maybe my distaste for the word is a hangover from my corporate days when I witnessed teams chastised when they did not make budget, even though they were growing in double digit percentage points from one year to the next. Whatever the reason, I think it’s a term that lacks juice and seeks to motivate from fear.

That’s why when I am starting a new project - or in this case a new year - my list of what I want to create, achieve, and/or do differently is a list of desires.

Yes, desires. 

A distinctively feminine word that is guaranteed to make one smile. Which from where I sit, is a much better way to start creating change than a list of resolutions you made up in your head because you or someone else you know thinks these are things you should be doing.

We don’t hear much about desire lists in mixed company, because our culture equates desire most readily with sex as opposed to creating change in our lives. But if you look at the definition of desire - “a strong feeling of wanting” - it seems to me that is the place to start from if you are really serious about making something happen - professionally or personally.

• Desires are something you can feel in every cell of your body -  not just a lofty goal that you might or might not really believe possible.
• Desires get to the truth of what you want to achieve. If you pay attention your body will let you know if you are on to something  or not.
• Desires imply that you can have fun along the way, a novel concept for task masters, but one that still will lead you to your - here comes that word again - desired outcome.
• Desires invite the Universe to take a part in the co-creation of whatever it is you want to do.
• Desires can still make you feel uneasy and at times a bit uncomfortable - but more likely not out of fear that you will fail, rather that you might succeed.
• Desires force you to believe that what you want is indeed possible. 

This is not to say that I think creating change is as simple as writing a desire on a piece of paper and - poof - just like that it will magically appear.  

Desire requires discipline. In order for a desire to manifest, you still need a strategy and a game plan of specific steps to take towards that desire. Writing those steps down establishes true intention. Action is key. 

For example, if one of my desires is to write and publish two more books this year, that has no chance of happening if I don’t set aside time on my calendar each and every day to write. 

If I desire to be published in The New York Times, I will need to submit articles.
If I desire to make YOUR DIGITAL YOU available as an online course by March 1, I must start by upgrading my website to accommodate that.
If I desire to grow my ONE-on-ONE Consulting, I need more outreach and to make it easier for people to sign up.

See how that works?

Whether it is resolutions, goals or my preferred method of writing desires, if they are not front and center each day, we forget about them. They get lost and we become part of the 92% who never see what they want come true.

So this year I am trying something a little different. I wrote all of my 2015 Desires on scraps of paper. I read each one out loud and allowed myself the luxury of feeling that desire with my whole body before I folded it up and placed it inside of a mason jar that now sits on my desk and will every day this year.  

I might add a few new ones along the way. I will most certainly open that jar from time to time to see how I am doing.  But I will not lose sight of them. 


Special note: I have already taken a step towards one of my desires. It is now easier (and more affordable than ever) to sign up for a ONE-ON-ONE Consultation with me. Details here!

How To Own Your Story

One of the perks of teaching a graduate class at NYU is that I get to interact with students who come from all over the world with the most fascinating backgrounds. I encourage them to share their stories. As I see it their stories are part of what makes up their personal brand and it's important to get clear on what that is - especially in today's world where your digital footprint means so much. 

This always proves a challenge. 

Even more so than the telling of the story is in the owning of it. 

By owning it I mean really standing in it. 
Liking it.
Every inch of it.
The good and the not so good.
All the twists and turns.  
The bumps and detours along the way. 
The stuff that might embarrass us if we allow it to. 

It sounds easier than it is. 
Which is why most of us don't do it.
This lack of ownership is not limited to my grad students.

We trivialize our achievements.
We ignore the parts of us that others see as assets.
We think our stories aren't interesting enough.
We compare our stories and see ourselves falling short.

We don't see our own value.
We lack belief in who we are and what we are doing.
We forget that what makes a story good is all those twists and turns we've taken.

As someone who has reinvented three times my story has evolved over time. Each time I stumbled a bit before I got going. But when I started to own the place I was in my story - my authentic self took over and that's when it all started to flow.

When we own our stories we become a magnet. People want to know who we are. Read our stuff. Buy our products. Hire us. Maybe even take us on a date.


So how does one own their story?

You start by learning to like it. To see all the steps you took to get you to now as having purpose and value. 

It might require a mild out of body experience in which you step back and look at yourself as if you are someone you have never met - just some stranger you struck up a conversation with at a cocktail party.

Or simply an hour with a pen and paper writing down all those things you're good at, have experience with, the places you've lived, the adventures you've embarked on, the mark you want to make on the world, what makes you smile.

The more convinced you allow yourself to become that your story matters - the more you own it. And when we own our stories - everything changes.

So tell me - are you owning your story?


psst...the Big Countdown to Spring Sale continues over at Amazon! 

The Importance Of Getting Your Hands Dirty

Yesterday I greeted a new crop of graduate students. One of their assignments for the semester is to start a blog. I've learned to expect the reaction to this to range from enthusiasm to fear to 'what has this got to do with digital marketing'.

My explanation is that creating a blog to call their own is experiential learning. It's a way to understand the myriad and ever changing assortment of digital marketing tools available and to know first hand the challenge of creating new content on a consistent basis.

It's about getting your hands dirty. 

I'm a big believer in rolling up your sleeves and letting the dirt get under your nails. It makes us better at what we do if we understand it from the ground up. 

Yet too many of us run around preaching from a place we've never been. We run businesses we don't understand. We claim to know places we've never visited. We think letting our hands get all messy and soiled is something reserved for children - not for adults.

Getting your hands dirty is something very few of us are willing to do anymore. Digging in sounds too pedestrian. We literally fill our pockets with anti-bacterial lotions in fear that some unknown dirt particle will infiltrate our system and mar the pristine environment we keep ourselves housed in.


My Nana used to say a little bit of dirt never hurt anyone. In fact it can make you wiser, stronger and more resilient. My Nana was a wise woman.





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7 Non-Techie Ways To Make An Impression - Day 28

I love all things digital. I admit to getting a bit geeked out over a cool new App or some new techie tool designed to make my life easier. But when it comes to standing out from the crowd and making a good impression the best and simplest way is by indulging in one or more of these good old-fashioned human tricks. 

1- Say what you'll do and do what you say. A lot of people will tell you what they are going to do, but the fact remains that very few follow through.

2- Be on time. This is one of my pet peeves. Just ask my NYU students. For that matter ask anyone who knows me. I'm always on time. For two reasons. I consider your time valuable and do not want to keep you waiting. The second is I consider my time valuable too.

3- Listen. Actively and with interest. Most of us don't listen very well. We're off in that delusion that multi-tasking is cool. So why just sit and listen, when I can listen and check my emails or texts at the same time. The message you send is that the person in front of you is just not that important. Worse, they are likely to be telling you information that could help you, but you will never really know because you were only hearing, not actively listening.

4- Ask questions. We're all so busy talking today we forget to ask questions of the person in front of us. Asking questions shows interest in the other person. It builds relationships. It makes you different.

5- Do your homework. So, so easy to do today. But so many fail to do it. Just type it into Google. Check a Twitter feed. I never meet with anyone new without first checking out their LinkedIn profile.

6- Be authentic. I'm talking true authenticity. Not the staged kind. Corporate speak is so very 20th century.

7- Smile. It changes everything. We've gotten so used to staring at our computer screen that sometimes we forget how to emote when in front of another human. We forget what a lasting impression one smile can make.


note: This is Day #28 of the 30 Day Experiment.   Here are the details on how it all started.

The Agile Career Path - Day 27

Agile is a big word these days. It's used alot in marketing circles. One must be agile to keep up with the pace of things. Be able to course correct in real time. Take advantage of breaking news and use it newsjack our way to earned media. Reappropriate a budget on a moment's notice.

In other words - just because we had a plan for the next year or two or three - if we want to stay relevant we need to be able to react to changing circumstances on a dime.

Same holds true for our careers. 

It used to be we picked a major in college, got a degree and thought our life path would be linear until retirement. But nothing is linear anymore. Not the consumer cycle or our career. 

I went from teaching seventh graders to selling radio ads to television to entrepreneurship, writing books, blogging, consulting and teaching - again. 

I'm not sure where my circuitous path will take me next. 

But what I am sure is that as long as I stay agile and open and remember that every step and misstep is serving me - I'll know where it is when I get there. 


note: This is Day #27 of the 30 Day Experiment.   Here are the details on how it all started.

Why Bragging Is Not A Bad Thing - Day 19

I used to think bragging was bad. That it was arrogant and was evidence of an overly developed ego. 

That idea was reinforced growing up. The message I got was that it was better to appear humble and not make a big deal of your achievements.  The underlying Greek superstition was that if you talked too much about something good, you were going to give it the evil eye and everything would go to hell in a handbasket.

I've always been such a good student that I carried what I learned through most of my adult life. What that meant in my career was that as good as I was externally promoting my value, I wasn't as good internally in the companies I worked for. In my naivety, in what had been ingrained inside of me from childhood is that I didn't have to. My value would be recognized. I would be rewarded without having to point out why. Plus I was a woman. Bragging was something men did. Nice girls don't brag.

I can almost LOL reading that line back to myself.

My opinion about bragging changed ten years ago when I met Regena Thomashauer. Bragging in her book is a celebration of who you are and what you create. It's owning those milestones, big and small and allowing yourself to physically feel the full effect of what you've accomplished. 

The Internet is full of so many people touting and promoting themselves that its easy to see why bragging is still seen as a bad thing to so many. 

But when you brag from a place of truth and not made up hype and gobbledygook jargon it lands differently. 

You get to feel your worth.

You're reminded that you actually have accomplished an awful lot - even though you were not taking the time to notice.

You get ready for more.

It's not easy to do in the beginning - but like so many exercises, the more you practice the better you get.






note: I BRAG this is Day #19 of a 30 Day Experiment!!! Here are the details on how it all started.

What To Do If You Get A Pink Slip - Day 17

The dirty little secret no one wants to tell you is that good economy or bad economy, job security is a myth. All it takes is one new person in charge of your group or one management consultant telling the powers to be how a little reorganization will save money and your day will come.  The one when you're handed the dreaded pink slip.

Case in point. Bank of America just reported their second-quarter profit jumped to 63% to just over $4 billion despite a revenue increase of only 3.5%.  According to Bloomberg, one of the ways they achieved the profit was through payroll cuts of 6.6% over the last year or 18,300 fewer paychecks. 

Enough said.

As you know, I’ve had some experience with this. I’ve handed them out and I’ve had them handed to me. Twice. Like every other scary thing you might be faced with in life, once you’ve experienced it and made it safely to the other side it’s not as terrifying as when it’s a big unknown.

So what do you do if it happens to you? 

#1. Mourn your loss. This is a big deal. Even if you hated your job, even if you prayed you would be in the next round of layoffs, this was your livelihood. So really mourn. Get out the black clothes and cover yourself in ashes if necessary. Listen to your favorite sad music. Write a hate letter to your former boss and then toss it in the fireplace if that helps to release your angst. (Never mail it!) Greeks believe it takes 40 days to mourn a loss. Your personal cash flow will determine how generous your mourning period will be. Even if you can only afford twenty-four hours, so be it. Just make sure to get down on your knees and wail.

#2 Do not start interviewing immediately. There is no surer way not to get a job than still seething over the fact you just got fired. Before you want to sit in front of a potential new employer, you have to get clear on what you want to do next. Maybe it won’t be interviewing for another job doing the same thing. Maybe this was the Universe telling you (as it was for me) it's time for a change. There will be a host of people suggesting you get out there, right away without pressing pause. I'm not one of them.

#3 Take Care of You. Exercise. Go to the gym. Play tennis. Take a daily walk in the park. Eat healthy foods. Make sure you take a shower and get dressed and out of the house at least once a day. Avoid excessive alcohol.

#4 Purge. This is one of my favorites. Get rid of stuff, especially stuff that connects you to the old job. Purging is cleansing. It feels good. It’s part of letting go of what was to make room for what will be.

#5 Get to Know You Again. Between our jobs and our personal lives, if we're not careful it's easy to lose sight of who we really are. This is an opportunity for you to get to know you again. Make a date with yourself and go do one of those things you kept saying you had no time to do.

#6 Avoid the Naysayers. In case you hadn’t noticed there are a lot of people out there who are insistent on telling you the sky is falling and you better run scared because there is just “no way, ever,” you are going to get a job again, with things “the way they are”. They'll say you're too old. Too inexperienced. They prefer to see the hole while others see the donut. Stay clear of these types. You will get another job. But not with their energy surrounding you.

#7 Go Digital. If you've been resisting understanding what all this digital stuff is about, get over it. Two big reasons. 

The first is  your on-line profile is your new calling card. Networking and making new connections is no longer limited to in-person cocktail events. It’s happening right now, on-line as I type. That woman you met the other day who is considering you for a job is Googling your name. Right now. Give her something solid and updated to find. And yes, you must include a photo.

The second is that understanding digital is not limited to those who are creating and selling this stuff. To stay marketable today and in the future, you need to be able to use digital tools - especially social networks.

#8 Learn Something New. Read a book. Take a class in social networking. Learn how to use LinkedIn.

#9 Make New Friends. Widen your circle. We can get complacent when we're in one spot for too long. Get out there and mingle in person whenever you can. If you feel naked without a business card order an inexpensive one from websites like VistaPrint. Stay in contact with the networks you've already cultivated, but be prepared. Some of those you considered your “best buds” might be afraid to get too close to you now for fear what you have (no job) is catching.

#10 Keep a sense of humor. Above all remember to laugh. You lost your job but you did not lose your life. Yes, things might be a little tough for a while, but you will get through it. If you believe you will. Besides every time we laugh we switch our vibration up towards the positive and we burn three calories. What’s not to like about that?


note: This is Day #17 of a 30 Day Experiment. Here are the details on how it all started.

The 9 Reasons I Might Ignore That LinkedIn Invitation You Sent

A few weeks ago I spoke with a group  at a New York Women in Communications Digital Salon on the subject of digital profiles, their importance and how best to use them to our advantage. One of the questions I was asked was whether I accept every invitation to connect I get on LinkedIn.

My answer was a complicated no.

My general rule of thumb is that if our paths have crossed, I've met you at a function, worked with you, went to school with you, or are connected because of blood lines I will say yes.

But what if I don't? What if you are a complete stranger reaching out?  What do I do then?

There is no hard and fast rule. And while I generally do not like to ignore anyone, (I think it's rude and bad karma) in the digital world I sometimes do.

The question is, how do I make that decision?
The answer is, it's really pretty easy.

If I've ignored an invitation you sent to me the reasons are most likely one or a combination of those on this list:

1. I've never met you.
2. We have no connections in common.
3. You don't have a picture in your profile.
4. Your profile says nothing about you.
5. You lied to me and to LinkedIn and said we were friends and then admitted to me you lied.
6. You did not personalize your invitation.
7. You personalized it with something to the tune of "I think it would be good to connect" without a reason why it might be good to connect.
8. We share nothing in common. Not a group. Not a person. Not an industry.
9. It's looking like the only reason you want to connect is to sell me something.

LinkedIn is about my business. I'm there to expand it, to network, to share useful information and to find information I might find useful. Which means I am going to be thoughtful - maybe even a bit choosy at times - about who I want in my circles.

So if you want me to connect with you and you're a stranger give me a reason to want to engage with you. Tell me who you are. Show me your face. Let me know why you think connecting will be a good thing. For both of us.

A Simple Tool Guaranteed To Get You Noticed

It's noisy out there. Everyone wants to be noticed. Yet so many ignore this simple and easy tool that I guarantee will set you apart.

It does not involve jumping off the high dive in some silly reality show. It's not running through Central Park naked in an attempt to revive the streaking craze of the early seventies. It does not involve a marketing budget that requires you to get a second mortgage on your home. It does not involve flash and glitz or high end video.

It's simple and inexpensive.
It's called a thank-you.  


Thank-you for your note.
Thank-you for that nice mention on Twitter.
Thank-you for your comment on my blog.
Thank-you for commenting on my FaceBook page.
Thank-you for sharing my stuff.
Thank-you for taking the time to meet with me.
Thank-you for showing up to hear me talk.
Thank-you for your consideration.
Thank-you for doing business with us.
Thank-you for your wise advice.


It says you care. It engages. It establishes relationships. It says, no matter how busy and famous I am or might want to be, I am not too big to remember this simple measure of acknowledgement. It says your business or relationship is important to me and I want you to know it. It says I am happy you are part of my tribe. It makes a lasting impression.

Especially since so many people don't do it.
They think it doesn't matter.
They forget.
They say they will, but never do.
They think they are too important, too famous, too busy.

Which makes no sense.

Let's face it. It's easier than ever to say thank-you in a timely manner. (Immediacy is important to the art of thank-you.) All it takes is a click of the reply button on an email or a text.You don't even have to talk anymore. Although that is always an extra nice touch. Nicer still is going as far as to write a note, get a stamp and put the thank-you in an envelope. And as for being too important to take the time - the digital world has leveled the playing field in so many ways. Thank-you's are not exempt. No matter if you are one person or a big corporation.

The point is, it doesn't have to be elaborate or require setting the egg timer for. It's an easy, simple and budget friendly tool to differentiate you from the masses. 

Of course you don't have to say thank-you. Ever. You can forget it. You can live in the delusion that the more expensive tools to get your name out there will compensate. But they won't. Because when you never say thank-you - that gets noticed - and not in the way you want.

Thank You Cards by Tara Dixon of Gratitude Designs

This blog also appears on The Huffington Post

Gaming The System

When I started selling many moons ago one of the first things I was taught was that the easiest way to build long term business was to establish good relationships. If a client thought they could trust me, not only would I get the first sale, but renewals in the future. Trust was not something bestowed, but something earned. Know my product. Know my competition. Say what I would do and do what I said I would. Over time that would work. I would make money. So would my client. All would be happy. Everybody would win.

This approach still works, but a lot of us think it takes too long and too many are concerned with only winning for themselves. So the search begins for ways to game the system.

People have tried to make a science out of SEO so their sites get more hits, but if their content is not good, those people will never come back, no matter how great the keywords that got them there. This past week eight badminton athletes were disqualified from the Olympics for being caught purposely losing matches in order to face easier opponents down the road. Jonah Lehr confessed he made up quotes for his Bob Dylan biography, no doubt in the hopes of garnering more attention and more sales. Now found out, he is forced to resign his job at The New Yorker and his publisher pulled his book from the retailers. And then of course there is the construction site outside my window. It is against NYC ordinance to be creating noise on a weekend without a special variance and only then after 10AM. That did not stop the workmen from hoisting cranes at 5AM this past Saturday. They don't care about the small fine they pay if caught. As long as they stay on schedule

All are trying to game the system.

There are times when gaming the system might feel like the only choice. Most of the time it's not. When you do opt in, you take the gamble that you might get caught. The odds are on the house that most will.

The illegal scene Saturday morning. 

The Art Of Networking: A Checklist

For some people the idea of going to a function to network makes them break out in a rash. They might even prefer a dentist drill to the idea. I'm not one of them. I think it's fun to go into a crowded room and see who new I might meet that might help me, or me them, not to mention the chance to reconnect with someone I haven't seen in a long time. I admit to once being rather fearful and yes, even a tad shy of such situations. I obviously outgrew that.  If I hadn't I doubt I would have achieved much success in my career.

I believe networking is not an option for professional success. In fact I think it might be more critical than ever. Not only does one need to hone the skills of in-person networking, today one needs to navigate it on-line as well.

But it is the in-person opportunities that I think the most fun and the most beneficial in the long run. As humans, people still want to be in the company of other humans. We network on-line in the hopes of an in-person meeting. My first year blogging I met Colette Martin on-line. We were both ex-corporate types on a reinvention path. We connected via our blogs. But it was when we met in-person our friendship was solidified.

This past weekend I attended the BlogHer12 Conference. BlogHer is the largest on-line community of women who blog.  There were reputed to be almost 5000 attendees, mostly women meandering the conference rooms at the New York Hilton. So I guess like me, given the chance to meet face to face, one takes it.

Even a seasoned networker, like myself plans for such events.

Here's the list I consulted ahead of time, what I call my networking checklist:

1. Be prepared. Have business cards, lots of them ready and easily accessible. I like to slip mine behind my name tag so I don't need to fish around my purse too much. This year in addition to my business cards which I like to call my official coaching cards,  I also had postcards touting my books.
2. Set your intentions in advance. Are there specific people you want to meet? Or is it more general in what you want for your business? Get clear on your intentions and write down the two or three most important ones. One of the things I always include is learning at least one new thing. This year it was the art of iPhonography.
3. Know what you want to say. Some people call it the "elevator speech." I prefer the concept of "log line" which is the term screenwriters use to pitch their scripts to the studios. Whatever it is, you need to speak it clearly, concisely and with passion. In today's world you have less time then it takes me to get a regular coffee at Starbucks to get my attention. Plan for it.
4. Be authentic. As soon as people hear the word "pitch" they think canned and too often speak it as though someone just hit the play button. You are one of the most important aspects of whatever you are presenting. Let you show through.
5. Be bold. Don't be afraid to introduce yourself. Look for an entre. It could be as simple as a compliment on someone's shoes (if you really like them!) or as rehearsed as why you were seeking them out. One woman I met who has a really cool DIY website, made sure she was front and center to connect to Martha Stewart. Martha was on her intention list for the conference.
6. Be confident. Own who you are and what you are up to. Don't be afraid to shake someone's hand or look them in the eye. Confidence attracts. 
7. Dress to Impress. I dress mostly to impress myself. I know I will work a room better when I like the way I look because for me that instantly makes me feel better. Above all go for clean, pressed and well-fitting clothes that say you care enough to care about you.
8. Use your intuition. As you get more seasoned at networking you will find you will be able to gravitate to exactly who you need to meet and they to you. The clearer you are on the intentions you set the easier it will be for you to "work the room." 
9. Take Notes. Especially at a 2-day event like BlogHer. You will NEVER remember it all. I don't care how young your brain is!
10. Follow-up. This is a picture of all I accumulated over the weekend. My follow-up includes the sorting of the piles. Who do I want to follow-up with on Twitter and/or LinkedIn? Who gets added to my mailing list? Who gets a direct email from me suggesting next steps? What am I going to do with twenty yards of yellow Duck tape and why did I think it important to take?

        Bonus Tip: It is most fun and productive to attend these events with someone like minded who knows your intentions as well as their own and keeps an eye out for something or someone you might miss. A special shout out to my friend and cohort, Nancy Moon of MoonPR! It would not have been the same without you!

Like these tips? Click here to tweet.

Other People's Maps

We live in a world where we like to be given the best route to get somewhere we haven't been to before. We type in our starting and ending points to Mapquest, Google Maps or those electronic GPS devices that cars newer than mine come equipped with. We assume they know what's best.

But they don't always. Too often they take us the more complicated and more crowded route.

I live in Manhattan. I consult Mapquest and Google Maps when I am driving somewhere new. When you live in this town no one needs to tell you the best route to the Lincoln Tunnel or the Triboro (oops..RFK) Bridge. But that's how those directions start. And they are consistently ridiculous. If I was so brave as to experiment with them, I would be late for wherever I was headed.

So what makes me think the rest of the directions will be any better? There has been no human interaction, no discussion as to new detours or delays that are unique to the day. No one asking me if perhaps I do want to take a more scenic route.

There is no one best route to ANYTHING. Yet too many of us don't want to create our own road maps. We want someone else's prescribed path for getting somewhere,  hopefully in the shortest amount of time possible. We want some automated voice to tell us how to do it. We assume they know better. We don't want to think for ourselves.

Directions are good. Technology affords easy access. But the map is only to get us started.  Whether it is driving from the Upper West Side to Vermont or looking for a new job. We can't follow  blindly and without question. We need to use our instincts and not be afraid to try it our own way, even risk a detour or getting lost.

Other people's money is great for starting a business but not enough to grow it. Other people's maps are great for getting out of the gate but won't get you where you need to go without you steering the wheel.


Do you take the prescribed route or are you adventurous?
Which do you think is better?

The Signs

The signs are there if you stop long enough to pay attention. For my advice on how to know if its time to leave your job, please click here to read my first of what I intend to be many, articles on The Huffington Post.