Why Desires Are Better Than Resolutions And Goals

I gave up writing resolutions years ago. Apparently I am not alone. Less than half of us make them - just 45% - and of those who do less than 8% achieve them. It seems the odds are that you are doomed before you start.

Goal setting is another thing I am not a proponent of. From where I sit, goals are a masculine term better suited for the football field, the boardroom or the budget review. It implies a win or lose proposition and ignores progress. Maybe my distaste for the word is a hangover from my corporate days when I witnessed teams chastised when they did not make budget, even though they were growing in double digit percentage points from one year to the next. Whatever the reason, I think it’s a term that lacks juice and seeks to motivate from fear.

That’s why when I am starting a new project - or in this case a new year - my list of what I want to create, achieve, and/or do differently is a list of desires.

Yes, desires. 

A distinctively feminine word that is guaranteed to make one smile. Which from where I sit, is a much better way to start creating change than a list of resolutions you made up in your head because you or someone else you know thinks these are things you should be doing.

We don’t hear much about desire lists in mixed company, because our culture equates desire most readily with sex as opposed to creating change in our lives. But if you look at the definition of desire - “a strong feeling of wanting” - it seems to me that is the place to start from if you are really serious about making something happen - professionally or personally.

• Desires are something you can feel in every cell of your body -  not just a lofty goal that you might or might not really believe possible.
• Desires get to the truth of what you want to achieve. If you pay attention your body will let you know if you are on to something  or not.
• Desires imply that you can have fun along the way, a novel concept for task masters, but one that still will lead you to your - here comes that word again - desired outcome.
• Desires invite the Universe to take a part in the co-creation of whatever it is you want to do.
• Desires can still make you feel uneasy and at times a bit uncomfortable - but more likely not out of fear that you will fail, rather that you might succeed.
• Desires force you to believe that what you want is indeed possible. 

This is not to say that I think creating change is as simple as writing a desire on a piece of paper and - poof - just like that it will magically appear.  

Desire requires discipline. In order for a desire to manifest, you still need a strategy and a game plan of specific steps to take towards that desire. Writing those steps down establishes true intention. Action is key. 

For example, if one of my desires is to write and publish two more books this year, that has no chance of happening if I don’t set aside time on my calendar each and every day to write. 

If I desire to be published in The New York Times, I will need to submit articles.
If I desire to make YOUR DIGITAL YOU available as an online course by March 1, I must start by upgrading my website to accommodate that.
If I desire to grow my ONE-on-ONE Consulting, I need more outreach and to make it easier for people to sign up.

See how that works?

Whether it is resolutions, goals or my preferred method of writing desires, if they are not front and center each day, we forget about them. They get lost and we become part of the 92% who never see what they want come true.

So this year I am trying something a little different. I wrote all of my 2015 Desires on scraps of paper. I read each one out loud and allowed myself the luxury of feeling that desire with my whole body before I folded it up and placed it inside of a mason jar that now sits on my desk and will every day this year.  

I might add a few new ones along the way. I will most certainly open that jar from time to time to see how I am doing.  But I will not lose sight of them. 


Special note: I have already taken a step towards one of my desires. It is now easier (and more affordable than ever) to sign up for a ONE-ON-ONE Consultation with me. Details here!

Why I Am Not Making Any New Year's Resolutions for 2014

It's been years since I've made a New Year's Resolution. I gave them up long ago. Mostly because I hate the word. It's not very sexy or inspiring or very motivating. It implies doom. Which has everything to do with why they don't work.

Resolving to do something sounds very patriarchal. Rigid. Without flexibility.  In other words - fated to failure. Which is what happens with most people who make a list of resolutions in January. By Martin Luther King's Birthday they don't even know where they put the list.

I've written about it here before. 

I am not a fan of the word goal either. Goals are for the football field. They imply the only way to get somewhere is by following a specific set of rules. It's almost 2014. We've seen the changes in the last few years - most of which have happened with vision and intention and by breaking the rules.

Don't get me wrong. I am cleaning house. Straightening out the loose ends of 2013. Getting clear on what I want 2014 to look like. Change is good. A clean page on the calendar. A chance to create something new. To look at the world and my life from a fresh perspective.

I'll be working on my vision. I'll allow myself not just to see it but to feel it fully in my body. That's one of the secrets of those who manage to create a lot. They let themselves feel it in every cell of their being. That's how they stop themselves from getting in their own way.  I've already started my list of intentions. And then I'll have another list of what steps I can take that will help me to bring it all to fruition. 

I'll reread the blog I wrote last January The Five Things You Should Know Before You Write Those Resolutions and I'll follow my own advice. 

But I won't resolve and I hope you won't either.

Wishing you all the best year yet!

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Why I Hate Goal Writing

I hate goals.

There I said it. January is almost over and the airwaves, newspapers, magazines and blogs have been flooded with  conversation about setting this goal or that goal.  Every time I hear the word I cringe. It's not that I don't like or believe in the practice of getting clear on what you want to create and setting time frames. I do. I advocate it. I've written about it many times. It's the word goal I detest. Which is why I avoid it.

I hear goal and I think of a football field or a soccer game in which all sights are set on one ball making it across a goal post. At any and all costs. With a clock ticking. It's a win or lose proposition. You either get there or you don't, in a specified period of time. And if you don't, you've suffered defeat.

While that may work this Sunday when the Giants play the 49ers, it does not sound very appealing when planning what you want to accomplish or what you want to change in your life. In fact I think it sets most of us up for failure. Life, while it may be a game of sorts, is not as clear cut in rules as a NFC playoff  game. Things happen along the way. Often you get to where you want to go by veering outside of the safety zone.  And trust me, if you think there is only one way or one set of rules to get you to your heart's desire, chances are you won't.

I'm not sure why the word goal is so overused but I suspect it has everything to do with a business model steeped in the patriarchy. Until the last few decades it was run by and for men. And guys like to talk about sports. Endlessly. And in great detail.  They are comfortable with the word goal. If I were coaching a man and asked him to write his Top Ten Desire List for me in all likelihood his thought process would shoot right to the bedroom which would take him off focus. Men don't create well when they are off focus.

As a woman the word goal just doesn't work for me. My preference when planning what I want to create in my life is to use the words desire and intention. Call it semantics, but those words conjure up a space in which I can envision and set the steps I will need to take to manifest what I want.

For example I have two lists I keep side by side for 2012. One is my Top Ten Desires and the other is my 101 Intentions. Don't ask me why 101. It is a number that just sounded right to me last year and I am sticking with it in the new year.

The Top Ten Desire list combines aspects of my personal and professional life, because really, how do we draw the line between the two anymore?  This list forces me to really think and get creative about what I would like to manifest in the coming year, with no restrictions applied and without a timeline. And with the belief that all the stars will align so it is all indeed possible.

The 101 Intentions List  is where I get more specific. This includes my intention to take specific steps towards those desires. It might even include a timeline or time frame within which I want to do this.

For instance on the Top Ten list one of those items is publishing my second novel. On my intention list I am more specific. I intend to make this happen by summer.  Another item on my intention list is to have it in my editor's hands by mid- January. I'm ahead of schedule on that one. Based on my conversation with her last week, she will have her critique back to me in 8, maybe 10 weeks. Which can keep me right on schedule. But if it is 10 weeks and needs a lot of work, I may or may not be able to have it up for sale by July 4. 

By using the word intention I have allowed myself flexibility, opened a space that will still create what I want, but will not set me back with disappointment and feelings of failure if the dates don't match. Which I have found is what happens for most of us. If we don't get that ball across the end zone in the specified amount of time, playing by someone else's rules, we deem ourselves a loser. On the football field it makes sense. But in life and in business, especially entrepreneurial business, I think not.

Intentions are not hard and fast like goals. But they still work toward a desired outcome. Usually more pleasurably and with less made up stress to beat the clock.

Try it. If you've put off writing your goals this year and you haven't been able to figure out what is stopping you, get out a fresh piece of paper, make a cup of tea, find a quiet space and try calling them desires. And then follow up with a list of intentions that are more specific. Then let me know what happens. And save the goals for Sunday's game.

Traction

That was my word for this week. Traction.  It is what I wrote at the very top of my weekly ToDo list.

Traction. 

I wanted to gain some traction in this first week of the new year. To feel I was making some solid progress towards what I want to create in 2011.

It's been slow. Slow enough to make me feel anxious. I haven't been willing to rest in this spot. To remember that movement, no matter how slow is movement forward. I worry  I am going to blink and 2011 will have escaped me.  And nothing will have manifested.

I needed to get clear on exactly what I want to create this year. So I started a list of 101 Desires/Intentions I have for the year. I'm up to 49. Even the process of making a list is going slowly.

My body has not been cooperating. She is still healing from that awful flu. She's crying for more rest and she's been winning. I know that is necessary right now but I still have this burning  urge to press my foot on the accelerator and really gain some speed and cover some ground.

So I started to make a list of what I did accomplish instead of focusing on what I had not. I published a story on More.com. I wrote a blog or two. I made progress on my book proposal. I talked to my coaching clients. I crossed off ten of my twenty items on my weekly ToDo list.

Maybe there really is movement.
Even if it feels as if the snow chains are on the tires.
Even if it is    ever    so      slowly.




How is your first week of 2011?
Did you gain any traction towards what you want to accomplish?
Do you know what you want to accomplish?




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