What I Really Want

Monday was my birthday.  I woke up at 4AM. Not on purpose. It just happened. Maybe it was the sound of the wind and the rain pounding against my window. But maybe not.

In any case I found myself far too awake to linger in the cozy warmth of my bed. So I didn't. It was, after all, my birthday. And as usual when things don't go completely with my plan, I appease myself and assume there is a bigger reason for why things are in disarray - one that a power greater than little ol' me has not yet clued me into.

Maybe I was supposed to be up so early so I had more moments to savor my special day. To think. To enjoy. To respond to the 150 + Happy Birthday messages I got from my Facebook "friends." Or perhaps this was just the Universe - along with a dozen or so real people reminding me I have not been writing as much as I like to - or need to.

So I made myself a cup of steaming water flavored with a wedge of fresh lemon and turned on the computer. I'd like to tell you that what I did in the darkness before dawn was open up  one of the assortment of writing projects I store on my hard drive. But I'd be lying.

I started with that modern day distractor and often time waster we call email. There was one from Deepak and Oprah. It was not to wish me a Happy Birthday.  It was the link to their latest 21-day Meditation Challenge I've been participating in.  The subject of the meditation - on my birthday - was "What Do I Want?"

That was an awfully big question so early in the morning. One that made my stomach hurt.

I considered going back to bed and waiting until the sun was up. But I was too wide awake.

So I stared at the email and I pondered how to answer the question.

Let's face it -  it was well suited for my birthday and perhaps the reason I had woken up so early. To give me extra time to come up with an answer.


What Do I Want?

- A house on the beach. Not near the beach. On the beach.
- My next book to make the best seller list
- To write that book.
- Before that - to get the proposal finished.
- Before that - to start the proposal.
- That very overpriced Vince Leather Trimmed Puffer Coat I  saw at Bloomingdales on Friday.

I could go on. And on. And on some more.

Those lists are easy.

But I know better than to think that  Deepak and Oprah were asking because they were planning an episode of her favorite things and wanted to surprise me. 

The question was bigger than the material things. Not that finishing my next book is necessarily material. But this question was bigger than that. 

So - What Do I Really Want ?

Whether it's about work or play the answer came clear.

To love and be loved.

Deepak told me my heart knew the answer.

He was right.

And I'm grateful to have woken early enough to give the question the thought it deserved.


What about you? What do you really want?


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