It Was Always On My Mind

For years I would sit in awe when I met someone who told me that they always knew what they wanted to be when they grew up. You know those stories. When I was five I knew I wanted to be a neuro surgeon. At fifteen decided I wanted to be a lawyer. As a freshman in college I knew I wanted to run for government office. And then they grew up and that is exactly what they became.

I was in awe because I never had a dream so defined when I was younger. At least I thought I didn’t.

I have been immersed in old journals of late. Piles and piles of them. The purpose being research for my new book. I wanted to see what I had jotted down that would be helpful as I recreate life in the 80s and 90s.

It turns out that I always knew I should be writing. That whatever I was doing at that moment, whether it was teaching, my early days of sales, or my years in sales management, I wanted to write. I felt better when I was writing. I could breathe easier then. I always saw writing as the next thing I would do.

I knew I had never dreamed of being a teacher, even though I became one. And I will not even for a moment tell you that while I was teaching I was dreaming of one day selling commercial advertising space for radio and television stations. All I knew then was I did not want to teach anymore, selling intrigued me, a radio station with no ratings hired me and from that was borne a very successful career.

My vocations seemed to grow organically. Each one I was good at and for many years in each one happy doing, but they were never my dream. I didn’t think I had one.

But as it turns out from all those journals, I did always know. It was always on my mind. I just took a while to do something serious about it.

Most of what else is in those journals has not helped in my research for my book. Most was incessant chronicling of the various stages of my various romantic relationships.

A friend told me she had burned all of hers. I think I might do the same. But I am glad I haven’t before reading through one more time. If I had I would never have known that writing was always on my mind.